Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
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I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic