My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
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It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours