Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
You Might Also Like
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down