My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
You Might Also Like
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’