{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
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Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
The real reason evolution started..😂
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]