Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
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Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
couldn’t resist
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
If you had more money you’d be happier.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know