cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
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I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket