Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
You Might Also Like
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
#SCOTUS one-star review
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.