Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
relationship goals
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…