Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
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Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )