Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
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Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.