just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
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Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?