(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
You Might Also Like
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent: