911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
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Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you