Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
If you know, you know 😂🚔
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.