”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
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According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I wish I were this cool 😂
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.