No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
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him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.