I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
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Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Beware of fowl play.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.