“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
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Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.