So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
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[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
new record!
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Love this one 😂🧟
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip