Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
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*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.