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“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian