Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
You Might Also Like
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter