I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
You Might Also Like
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.