Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
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wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.