23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
You Might Also Like
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Happy Friday
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.