When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
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Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.