I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
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my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
*serious situation*
My brain:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth