Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
You Might Also Like
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.