The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
You Might Also Like
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Sending in my taxes
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.