Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
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I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.