I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
You Might Also Like
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
ibopfufen
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.