You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
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to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.