My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
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Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Got him!
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence