The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
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My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Goat cheese is for herders.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.