I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
You Might Also Like
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
me working on my assignments ^-^
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
fourth time’s the charm
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.