Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
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Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I put the h in mysterious.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…