Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
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Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
much to think about
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*