What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
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Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.