If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
You Might Also Like
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
me, after any kind of buffet.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked