Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
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My birthstone is kidney
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.