High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
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If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen