*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
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Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
The Birdles
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.