my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
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@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.