How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
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Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief