If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
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dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired