Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Well, this is awkward
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.