I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
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Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
⚠️ Important Reminder:
The two types of wives
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”