I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
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Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old