[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
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All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Cats (2019)
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
anyone else like Italian cereal
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.